During
most of my adult life I've been trying to make love work.
And it seems that everyone around me was in the same boat.
Even those who had stayed in long term relationships seemed
to not know any more about how to catch 'n keep love than
did I!
I'm still
learning. And with what I know today, I feel like a big kid
with a secret! My friend, we've literally been doing this
love thing upside down! And I'm so excited to share with you
my experiences & discoveries!
I'm now
enjoying Love as purely as I had always dreamed it could be.
How? I want to describe my experience to you in hopes that
there will be something you can take from it to help bring
you what you want.
The
key to this life and to love, I've learned, has come down
to something I heard all my life but never knew what it
meant. Remember hearing, "You can't love another until
you love yourself"? That was always a cute axiom that
meant little or nothing to me. Until now.
My relationships
didn't work because I didn't love myself in a way that made
it possible for me to love my partner. I remember having "the
list" of what I wanted and needed in a mate. You know
that list I'm talking about? It now reminds me of ordering
a custom doll and later finding that she didn't have all the
right specs! But I couldn't send my partner back to factory!
Oh
my...talking about setting myself up for problems!
The
more I became OK in my own skin and the more I "got"
that I'm truly "good enough" the way I am, the
less I needed a woman in my life to make me feel happy.
I was happy already. AND THAT'S WHEN LOVE STARTED TO WORK!
Here's what I mean...
When I
enter into a love relationship feeling
OK with myself, I bring my own wholeness (full joy)
to the table. I then don't need (require) her to
be any certain way. If I don't require that she be (or
not be) anything specific, I'm then free
to love her (I'm not occupied with changing her).
Otherwise, I'm measuring and weighing everything she does
and says against what I need for her to do and say.
You may
be shouting at your computer monitor at this time, "Then
why in tarnation do you even get into a relationship if you
don't need one"?
Because I LOVE the experience of Love! And the only way I'm
gonna get it and keep it is by not Having
to have it!
"I
thought you were going to call me!"
"You never hold me like you used to!"
"I don't believe you!"
"I don't like the way you looked at her!"
These
statements are all born from my own fear of inadequacy (not-good-enough)
and they only bring about resistance and eventual isolation
from my partner.
I now
fully love and appreciate everything about my her. How? When
I'm not needing for her to perform my way, when I'm not assessing
what she does or say, when I'm not holding her against what
she should be or should not be, then what's left? LOVE! APPRECIATION!
ACCEPTANCE!
I no longer need for her to be here for my happiness. I desire
her. There's a HUGE difference between need and desire.
One's from fear. The other's from love. How can you tell the
difference? Unfulfilled needs breed anger AT your partner,
whereas unfulfilled desires breed disappointment in the situation.
Loving
myself has set me free to tell her my truth all the
time. I'm not consumed with trying to keep her happy or
trying not to upset her or trying to hide who I am so she'll
like me. I don't have to play games with her in order to
get what I need. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want.
I don't fear the answer in asking her what she wants. When
I'm with her I feel totally relaxed and at home. I'm free
to be me, and I allow her to be ALL OF HER. There's no criticism
or shaming taking place. Why would there be? We've each
abandoned the fearful state of REQUIRE and taken up residence
in DESIRE.
"But
you need to require something from each other!"
I agree.
I need her commitment to Honesty & Respect. And with those
in place coupled with my self-OK-ness, I'm witnessing alotta
love. And here's the really exciting part...
I'm seeing
MIRACLES.
She's growing and I'm growing because neither one of us is
trying to hold the other back or saddle "our stuff"
on them. Growth is present and strong with us.
Bottom
line, approach your love not as something owed to you but
with gratitude. Not as something you Have to have but as something
you would Love to have. Not as something to own but to experience.
Not as something here to deliver joy to you, but as something
with which to discover and practice your joyful self.
Oh
my...talking about setting myself up for problems!